’Secure attachment raises our mental level and supports our functioning at the highest level’
Van Der Hart, Nijenhuis and Steele (2006)

As a queer, trauma-informed therapist, this quote has been on my mind while reflecting on the events of this week. Secure attachment in relationships, in community, in society is what gives us the foundation to function, grow, and feel safe enough to be ourselves.

When laws strip away recognition or protection, like we've seen this week — or during Section 28 in 1988 they don’t just change policy. They threaten our sense of safety, belonging, and trust in the world. For those already marginalised, it’s a massive rupture in attachment at a societal level. And that hurts very deeply. For some reason the law always lags behind lived experience (reality) and that’s often the same in our personal healing journeys, progress isn’t usually linear

Old wounds get triggered. Fear and anger rise. That doesn’t mean we’re broken, it means we’re healing, but it can be so painful.

I stand with the trans community this week — and every week. I believe in the power of collective care, in minorities sticking together, and in marching for what matters.

Secure attachment can be rebuilt — in relationships, in movements, in systems. And we must keep working toward that and making our voices heard.

About

I offer therapy to individuals and couples, and I am a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). My registration number is 00815695. Identifying as gay, my personal experiences include navigating the challenges of growing up as a highly sensitive child and having a less-than-ideal childhood. This has helped guide my particular interest in understanding how our authentic selves adapt to these challenges.

There are many positives in these adaptions and they can serve us really well when we are young children who have no agency in our environments but as we get older they can stop serving us positively. Some examples of these adaptions are as follows:

Feeling emotionally cut-off and numb
Finding it hard to make & initiate new friendships/relationships unless they are risk free, (e.g you work with them, live with them etc)
Doing a job you hate in order to ‘fit’ or ‘survive’
Feeling lonely & isoloated
Feeling like other people are the adults
Feeling like real life is taking place somewhere else/somewhere in the future
A sense of 'I should be further along now’
A belief in others, but not in yourself
Uncertainty about interests and talents (often because the real self has been covered over so we’re out of touch with it)

Experiencing many or just a few of these things could suggest unresolved internal wounds that need attention and emotional needs that are yet to be recognized, empathized with, and understood to become the emotional resources necessary for a fulfilling adult life.

Often trauma is perceived to be a one off terrible event, but the impact of cumulative childhood trauma can manifest through various coping mechanisms, one of which Seligman and Maier (1967) termed 'Learned Helplessness.' This can result in individuals living within a 'thin layer of the atmosphere,' characterized by a constant need for safety, reluctance to take relational risks, tendencies toward perfectionism, and expending substantial energy to appear 'normal' and go unnoticed.

LGBTQ+ individuals, for several reasons, may face an elevated risk to cumulative trauma. The experience of minority stress, coupled with the adaptation to align with societal norms, can lead to an automatic and subtle process of splitting, (a fancy way of saying that we keep hard feelings seperate). Onno van der Hart describes this as Level 1 structural dissociation, and comes from the theory proposed by him, Ellert Nijenhuis, and Kathy Steele, (The Haunted Self). His describes a relatively mild form of dissociation resulting from trauma or overwhelming experiences. This theory states that a division within the personality has two primary parts: Apparently Normal Part (ANP): Responsible for everyday functioning and conscious awareness, holding memories related to daily life. Emotional Part (EP): Holds intense emotions, traumatic memories, and unresolved traumas, associated with distressing emotions and reactions linked to traumatic experiences.

Spotting signs of level 1 structural dissociation might show up as struggling to make decisions, sensing a disconnection from your true self, or feeling 'frozen' in situations that aren't bringing joy or fulfillment. I'm looking forward to organizing online LGBTQ+ groups down the road, focusing on this work. Being part of a supportive community can help affirm us and challenge the idea that our struggles are often as a result of less than ideal environments as opposed to individual psychological defects.

If you're interested in participating in an online group, please write to me. Opting for individual counselling is also a significant step toward acknowledging the need for change. If unsure about our fit, feel free to book a free 15-minute phone consultation here.

I also work with:-

• Loss & bereavement (Complicated Grief Disorder)

• LGBT+ issues

• Long term health/sickness

• The end of a relationship

• Trauma and CPTSD

• Sadness and Depression
  
  I trained in bereavement and loss work spending 18 months volunteering for Caris Bereavement Agency in Islington. I have also worked for the NHS at the Awareness Centre, where I worked with a diverse range of clients whose issues range from chronic depression and anxiety to more serious issues such as multi-level complex trauma. In addition I also worked for Positive East, a charity that offers counselling for people affected by HIV and Aids and long term illness. 

I follow a Person-approach and believes in the building of relationship between client and therapist to facilitate personal growth and change. Rather than being seen as the expert and directing the therapy, the conditions offered are unconditional positive regard, empathy and congruence to help you come to terms with any negative feelings and to change and develop in your own way.

I have a broad life experience prior to being a counsellor working in the creative fields of Graphic Design, User Experience and Photography for the last decade before changing direction to become a counsellor and so understand the everyday stresses and overwhelm that can lead to burnout and/or becoming very identified with what you do as a way of trying to find a sense of self.

Contact

I work online only currently

If you are interested in finding out more about counselling, please feel free to drop me an email or book a chat